A singing bird in open cage

Tyrone Wells - Remain

2010-05-21T19:52:00.002+08:00

Don't like any other songs by Tyrone Wells, except for Remain...
It reminds me of the individual I am most familiar with, the way Broken by Lifehouse makes my reflection twitch a sad smile.

I just feel like writing...
So here's some random lines...

The dust of our memories shroud my heart of glass. It's not much of a shield from further harm. Rather, it is an ugly cloak that hides me away from possible admiring eyes.

Remember the Tinman

2010-05-02T21:02:00.001+08:00

Tracy Chapman - Remember The Tinman

Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank

Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent

But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one

If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space

And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your heart and take it back

Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

Rock Ballads!

2010-04-24T19:55:00.003+08:00

The thing about rock ballads that I absolutely love is that they have such meaningful lyrics. The delivery usually involves screaming at high pitch, like the sound of a heart being ripped apart. The guitars wail insanely, like a mind tortured by love lost, incapable of accepting the cruelness of the situation, yet comprehending the uncompromising reality. And of course, there's always melodious parts in a rock ballad, perhaps in the intro, perhaps in the interlude, or perhaps at the very end of the song, and such melody captures the beauty of what had been.

Two awesome rock ballads I came across today have lyrics that frighteningly reminds me of my own relationship.
Guns n Roses' Estranged and November Rain.

Ah, Love, it is never easy.

So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Katerstimmung

2010-04-24T17:05:00.003+08:00

Waking up after 10am always leaves me restless and tired for the rest of the day.

I don't really like most of the Pink Floyd songs I've heard, a bit weird.
Absolutely love the song 'Wish you were here" though.
So many people whom I miss are never here.
So many of them seem unhappy lately.
So many of them seem to be coming back to Malaysia or meeting me up elsewhere next semester.
I hope I will have time for all of them, because I love them all.

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Will I ever?

2010-04-20T02:03:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I see people describing themselves as 'a normal human being' or 'a common girl' on Facebook. Most of such individuals are those from my Chinese secondary school, who are not in college or if they are, are in a highly Chinese populated varsity. In a way, I envy their ability to call themselves 'normal' or 'common'.

Somehow, they seem happy being 'normal' and somehow I believe they have parents, siblings, relatives and friends out there, who are just absolutely proud of them.

On days like these, when I have not done any of the things I am supposed to do, sometimes I toy with the idea that perhaps, I expect too much from myself, perhaps, I am just 'a normal human being' too. Perhaps there is no need to be an achiever...

But I know it's not true... Somewhere deep within me, ambitions will always reside.
I am never somewhere in between. I don't understand the meaning of mediocrity. Sadly, I am always extreme. Either extremely motivated or completely deflated.

I know I am afraid. I am afraid to try again. Too many failures, and not just academically, socially as well. In fact, I really think if I can have some semblance of a normal social life, I would be able to do better academically.

Yet, at the moment, everything is not fine. Everyone in class has their own exclusive cliques. Being the new girl means being invisible, and having plain physical appearance promises such invisibility to remain perpetual. I feel completely detached from them, just like I was back in secondary school.

And even if they do notice me, I know I will bore them. I am so gauche and... just tired of trying to fit in anywhere.

I wish I can just label myself as a 'common' one. I wish there isn't a frustrated tone in their voices. I wish they don't readily turn disillusioned with me. I put myself in this place, didn't I?

I wish this phase of my life could just pass over and perhaps in the next phase, I could somehow somehow somehow outdo my current self and regain my own dignity.
Will I ever?

I have not gone stupid

2010-04-19T18:03:00.003+08:00

Today for the first time in almost two months, I woke up at the right hour - 9am, after having gone to bed the night before at the right hour - 12am, and slept a good night's sleep without being awaken by any false toilet call or jolt of panic.

I did all that I should to start a day properly - showering before noon, made myself breakfast and later on lunch... still by 2pm I found myself yet to have started working on the most important thing of all - studying.

I opened my book and stared at words that just didn't make sense. They are printed out neatly, line by line. Yet when I tried reading... No they did not dance about in front of my eyes like they might to a dyslexic, but somehow... they just failed to register any meaning to me. Yes, sometimes reading aloud helps to concentrate, but today I wasn't in the mood.

I moped around, restless, unhappy, wondering how I got this way, wondering if I were really lazy and giving myself excuses, wondering if I am any good at anything anymore, wondering if I were ever good at anything, wondering if I will really end up wasting my mother's hard earned money on education and failing to actually graduate...

And I kept wondering, how all those years growing up, I could devour book after book of fiction, and yet I keep failing to grasp theory based papers, I failed law, oh so many times, and now I feel like I will fail audit paper too. Not because I don't know the syllabus, not because I don't have any clue on how to begin revising, but because somehow I can't concentrate, I can't get myself to read at a pace fast enough to cover my voluminous syllabus before the exam. As always, this sort of pondering rendered me too tired from self disappointment to even begin to feeling the urgency of tomorrow's mock exam, or the looming ACTUAL exam in June.

Finally after a lot of self pity, I decided to pick up one of the many fiction novels lying around my room. I picked up the copy of 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' that my sister borrowed from my uni's library and started reading. It's a much easier read than other books I've been attempting to read this year. I couldn't finish 'Eat, Love and Pray' there's something annoyingly self-absorbing about that book, despite some well-written prose. I couldn't read much of the book on ancient Greek literature and politics, too heavy. I couldn't get anywhere with the Neuro-Linguistic Programming book my housemate lent me, nor the other book from him 'The International Jew'. I couldn't even get started on 'The Beautiful and the Damned' even though I've been hunting for a copy of it since last semester.

A Thousand Splendid Suns is written in simple words, yet there's beauty in the prose. Every time I turn over a new page, I felt a sense of relief in me. Relief, that I still am able to enjoy literature. Relief, that I am not as bored of life as I worry I am, the beauty of words still captures me, gives me the sense of joy human company rarely provides. Most of all, after 3 hours of reading the book without wanting to stop, I realised that I am relieved I can still read. Yes, I might be failing theory-based subjects, but I am still literate, I can still absorb information from reading, I have not gone stupid.

Phew.

Well... I just hope somehow, I will finish my course on time, somehow I will get the paper qualification that everyone in the modern world needs to secure myself a good job.

I still would really love to study language and literature in depth someday, someday. And today, after being so restless for so long, to realise that that fiery love for words still burns in me, I am relieved. I am relieved to still find the capacity in me to feel alive. My future feels almost hopeful. Almost.

Jakob Dylan!!

2010-04-09T17:55:00.000+08:00

Now I send back letters from the wasteland home
Where I slow dance to this romance on my own
It may be two to tango, but boy it's one to let go
It's just one to let go

Hello, darkness, my old friend

2010-03-30T22:08:00.003+08:00

The Graduate is an awesome movie! Haha.
The plot is ridiculously screwed up, Benjamin's actions and decisions exaggerated, yet the whole situation is not entirely impossible in reality.
Truly a LMAO WTF! movie.

And oh!!! I soooo love the song "Sound of Silence".
Right from the first line to the very last...
"The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls,
And tenement halls,"
And whispered in the sound of silence....

And Mrs Robinson is hotter than Elaine!

Dark thoughts

2010-03-29T23:04:00.005+08:00

When I look at the lives of the adults I know, in person or vicariously, I feel depressed.
Regardless of their line of work and level of education, they all seem to fare terribly in terms of maintaining relationships.
Will we all grow up into them?
Is this the best that life can get? As portrayed by them?
Are they truly happy everyday?
Do they still like themselves?

Bright light in the midst of dark thoughts: Maybe I just by fate and chance know too many screwed up adults?

comrade wanted

2010-03-29T20:15:00.002+08:00

I guess that is the missing piece in my life.
A comrade - someone who is at pace with me, not older, not younger: mentally, emotionally, intellectually.
I notice most of the people I consider important to me are unable to be with me on a daily basis.
For as long as I can remember, all my achievements, all my failures, all the journeys toward either outcome had been travelled solo.

Kindred spirits are hard to come by.
An ever present one has yet to arrive in my life.
So I wait...

You and I in Never-Ever-Land

2010-03-28T21:26:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I think I've got it all figured out.

Sometimes I feel so lost, without any ability to steer myself.

Sometimes I am tired of trying: trying to accept realities, trying to accept differences, trying to run away, trying to forget, trying to take a leap, trying to restrain myself.

I just want something that promises a yield, if I pour myself into it.

That should be my academics, right?

What happened to me?
What happened to me?

I don't know what I can save you from

2010-03-23T14:30:00.003+08:00

I feel so tired lately.
No matter how much I sleep, the exhaustion does not go away.

I feel lonely and invisible, but I do not feel like approaching anyone.
There's always the high chance that they are not interested in me, and I am tired of disappointments.

Even if I manage to strike up some rapport, it never lasts. People always leave me. It's like a jinx. Everytime I meet someone who cares about me, something will happen and take them far away, out of Malaysia. Goodbyes are exhausting.

Do I lack social skills? Am I boring?
I miss laughing out loud, with friends by my side.

The books that you read were all I loved you for

2010-03-20T16:52:00.002+08:00

the_sundays-heres_where_the_story_ends
People I know, Places I go
Make me feel tongue tied
I can see how people look down
They're on the inside

Here's where the story ends

People I see, weary of me
Showing my good side
I can see how people look down
I'm on the outside

Here's where the story ends
Ooh, Here's where the story ends

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore
Oh I never should have said the books that you read
Were all I loved you for
It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes me wonder why
And it's the memories of the shed that make me turn red
Surprise, surprise, surprise

Crazy I know, places I go
Make me feel so tired
I can see how people look down
I'm on the outside

Oh, Here's where the story ends
Ooh, Here's where the story ends

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore
And who ever would've thought the books that you brought
Were all I loved you for
Oh the devil in me said go down to the shed
I know where I belong
But the only thing I ever really wanted to say
Was wrong, was wrong, was wrong

It's that little souvenir of a colorful year
Which makes me smile inside
So I cynically, cynically say the world is that way
Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise

Here's where the story ends
Ooh, Here's where the story ends

A lack of color could mean better focus

2010-03-16T17:51:00.003+08:00

If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seams
For absorbing everything
The spectrum's a to z
"A Lack Of Color"-DCFC
*
Poets were felt to talk of gods as meaningfully as priests... Greek bards never wholly lost their folkrole as shamans. They often sang of daily life in the street and lively nights in the bed, but if they could 'articulate sweet sounds together' (Yeats' phrase for poemmaking), they were in touch with the divine.

Greek poetry was sweet sounds, sung, often to a lyre. A fair parallel to a Greek poet is our folk singer with guitar.
-In the Theatre of Dionysos; Sewell, Richard C.-

*
Ahhh, I just love the beauty of a good voice carrying a simple tune with the mere accompaniment of a guitar. True beauty shines in the presence of minimal ornaments.
I wish I play the guitar.

"Meet Me On The Equinox" - Death Cab For Cutie

2010-03-15T21:43:00.001+08:00

Oh darling understand
That everything, everything ends

Inadequacies

2010-03-15T19:07:00.002+08:00

Everytime I am on campus, I see someone with some attribute that I admire and would like to emulate.
Oddly enough, though I feel inadequate, I do not feel despaired, at all.
I am glad to be among my betters.
I am glad to have two years ahead to improve myself.
Hopefully it does not take more than two years to attain all my goals.

Why bother?

2010-03-14T22:08:00.002+08:00

I think I'll let it die.
I don't think those who fail to see it can ever comprehend, much less ever learn to appreciate.
I did my best.
I think I'll let it die.

It's a lovely day to lose your way

2010-03-14T18:02:00.000+08:00

Ah the perfect song to describe a pointless day.

Artificial

2010-03-14T16:40:00.002+08:00

I find this restlessness artificial.
I feel lonely, but I do not want company.
I feel hungry, but my stomach is full.
I feel lost, when I have directions - pass my exams, lose weight.
I feel tempted, when nothing really interests me.
I feel like going to bed and starting today all over again.
Ah, if only.

Striking off Swimming

2010-03-12T18:59:00.002+08:00

Went swimming today. Was nice to dip in the cold water and stretch out after a long hot day. Still the routine that comes after a swim, washing my hair, rinsing the towel and suit, putting on lotion... just not my cup of tea.

I am craving for everything fattening now. I want chocolate marshmallow cupcakes, I want french fries, I want waffles, I want ice cream, I want doughnuts, I want soda...

Uggh...

I really need to sleep more at night. This whole week has me sleeping less than 6 hours per night and napping over 3 hours during the day/evening. I feel weird.

I need a friend too

2010-03-11T23:43:00.002+08:00

Every relationship, be it of friendship, blood relation or boy-girl, needs us to give it a try.
Get comfortable with each other, understand the other's flaws and still feel too giddy to care, confide and listen, give, share and receive.
I am giving everyone new a try. It's not just because I am new here... more of the fact that I need friend. I just need a friend.

Can your mind dance?

2010-03-11T20:38:00.006+08:00

Death Cab For Cutie - The Ice is Getting Thinner
While Dan and Serena were not my favourite couple from Gossip Girl, when I heard the song above, and they were locked in a slow dance till the very end of the wedding, I definitely wished they wouldn't break up.

Just finished Gossip Girl season 1! Hehe. Very far behind others, I know, nevertheless, I believe watching TV is something personal, like reading, it's not a competition to see who has read/watched the latest installment. It's about curling up in a chair when you seek the comfort of companionship that does not demand any contribution from you into the 'relationship'. In fact, I did a DISC Personality Test during camp and it says my way of releasing stress is through sleeping, doing non threatening routine activities,eg watching TV and having private time away from people, eg reading. :D Couldn't agree more.

The test also says my need for self-preservation causes me to document everything that I do... Which explains why I am still blogging hehe... I wonder what every one of you are doing now. Feels like we haven't talked in ages... Other than the post birthday fb comments about me turning bulat.

:)

2010-03-10T22:48:00.004+08:00

Chase of the Glitter Trail
Beat your wings my white little butterfly,
The dust from you turn glitter in my eyes.
You spin circles, knowing where you're headed;
I chase after, absolutely enchanted.

The circles widen, dust thickens the air.
You are still beautiful, flying in this glittering glare.

The wind sweeps in and with you swept away.
I lose sight of you, I lost sight of yesterday.
In solitude - what meaning can this trail of glitter convey?
*
Maturity
I am Autumn,
Of melancholic sentiments and mellow resignation.
Won't you come mourn in my arms?
They aren't cold as Winter's or passionate as Summer's.

Let my companion of dead leaves swirl about your silhouette;
Like lost dreams and ungranted wishes swirling in your head.

The wistful wind tugs with gravity in vain -
The leaves are earthbound;
And from your thoughts, you retrieve
A happy memory you have lost.
*
Penned consecutively around 3am, 10th March 2010
*

I wonder if any of you guys still read my blog after the shift?

Oh but I shouldn't

2010-03-09T22:59:00.001+08:00

This is one of those days when I feel like I can't make it.
I feel old and useless and I don't believe in myself anymore.
I need to study at the foyer at least 4 times a week! Hopefully 7!
Sigh.
What if I fail audit paper like I failed law too?
Sigh.

I slept on my specs, now they are crooked

2010-03-08T14:56:00.003+08:00

Just woke up after napping for three hours. I feel lost.

There's actually ALOT of THINGS! to do.
Like:
1. Clean my room
2. Do my laundry
3. Email three people for details on events I'm supposed to report on
4. Study Budgeting
5. Study Pricing
6. Study Audit *weeeeep*
7. Buy myself lunch, ughh, feeling super lazy to leave the house.
8. Do my Malaysian Studies project
9. Start exercising

Umm, that's about it. Cool, now I have a list to refer to, that should reduce the sense of disorientation? Hopefully la...

Camp was fun, but I did find myself extremely homesick by the third day.
So I better settle down now that I'm back at home.
Clean room clean room clean room.
Um, actually lunch should come first.

Oooh Ooooooh Oooh!!! Super Excited!!

2010-03-04T22:04:00.001+08:00

Yay! I finished hehehehe... Just emailed my editor... Let's see what happens hehehe

Well, gotta shower and start packing! Camp, tomorrow!

Excited!!!

2010-03-04T19:15:00.002+08:00

Been working on an article for the April issue of the newsletter. At first, I was apprehensive because I couldn't figure out what header the information I collected could come under. It was just a bunch of words related to 'fools' (the month's theme is April Fools). Nevertheless, I plunked myself down and started researching and scribbling, and somehow somehow, I think everything's coming together now. I have yet to finish, but so far, I am proud of what I've written. Hopefully the editors will think so too! :)

Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps

2010-03-02T01:08:00.002+08:00

Well, it's either I scrawl here or on facebook and I decided that this is a better avenue. ;)

So I've been functioning in slow motion the whole day. I never feel like I am the person I want to be when I do not get sufficient sleep. I get whiney, I get easily irritated, I sigh way too much, I sulk... Or... or! Maybe this IS the real me? Dark thought one.

Insomnia...
Ugh, I hate it when I am exhausted but this little bulb in my head won't go off, and it heats up and it sends out nonsensical ideas and wistful thoughts, giving me false optimism. Like, telling me I would wake up early and go jogging, when that never happens!

But better have my head in the clouds than have my wandering mind recalling angry and disappointed memories from the deep within, I guess.

Here's another dark thought: perhaps, this is the only way for me to get by, with... life, I suppose. Either live a life where I am mentally and emotionally detached from reality or allow this hideous claw control my mind, by clinging onto unpleasant realities, reminding me constantly of all my inadequacies.

This is all gonna look so absurd in the morning.

I am craving for Thai fried beehoon right now.

An insomniac muse

2010-03-02T00:58:00.003+08:00

On this one little island wholly made up of little sand particles, waves crash and roll away everyday, carrying with them the core element of the island's composition - little sand particles. Are these particles returning to sea or are they leaving the island behind?

Sleep shall heal

2010-03-01T15:47:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I feel like if you lend me your ear, I won't feel so misunderstood - that by listening, you gain understanding. Yet, how can I ask for empathy from the lucky majority, who never experienced such ugliness of human nature?

Ask me not for explanations?
One day, I'm going to leave all that far far behind.

A breathtaking view!

2010-02-27T23:18:00.003+08:00

Just found out that the night view from my balcony is absolutely beautiful. The dim yellow lights surrounding the whole commercial area, the shopping mall, the hotel, the moving glittering dots along the pyramid. Beautiful beautiful. Unfortunately my camera isn't advanced enough to capture such a glittering view. Nevertheless, it's definitely a sight that made me smile with contentment. I can't believe I have a chance to be living here, it's a privilege and I do appreciate it. :) I hope I can always find such simple joy in life. :)

Study Study

2010-02-27T22:58:00.002+08:00

Stressss. All these technical jargons swimming and dancing and whirling about in my mind, never stringing together to make much sense, teasing me, telling me that it's still a long way to go till I see the full picture and the pen in my hand forever tempting me to start doodling at the margins.

Study Study Study...
There's really nothing else that I want to do other than to make sense of this subject, become well versed enough to pass my exam with good marks.

Of puffiness

2010-02-25T12:12:00.002+08:00

At first, I thought my brows were shaped too thin, hence the puffiness of my face.
Then I thought maybe it's because of lack of sleep...
Or maybe bloating?

Finally, yesterday I caught my reflection in a passing mirror of the shopping mall and it hit me, it's just fat. I got fat, that's why my face looks somewhat different. Sigh...

No no, I'm not upset. ;)
It's just that... amidst this metropolitan parade of beauty and confidence, I wish... I could be just like them too... *wistful*

Nice Song :D

2010-02-24T23:27:00.003+08:00

A beautiful song from the movie A Love Song for Bobby Long - I watched this movie three times successively after I watched it once for the first time!

Lorraine's Song
- Theresa Anderson & Grayson Capps -
Yesterday I had a dream
that I could fly, through the sky.
And I woke up in a sweat
not dead yet, but on the ground
I'm up in Johnson City, Tennessee
looking for the way to me
Lord, fly me over Pontchartrain
Back to the land of sugar cane and summer rain
"Never more shall we part" 2x

Little girl was early told
that life was time, and time was gold
She took a little every day
'til it went away, and she was old
Then she cried that the gold was gone
She cried 'cause she was all alone
And I'm hunting with a lonely heart
Cryin' "never more shall we part";

"never more shall we part" 2x

And all those words I never said
gently bled, from my mouth.
And I'm ready to embrace
this place, I belong.
Now, I'm afraid, but I need to love
If I don't, I'm gonna flood
Now I'm callin' to you in the dark,
just a hunter with a lonely heart.
"Never more shall we part"

"Never more shall we part"

I will survive!

2010-02-24T16:11:00.003+08:00

Today's class was a disaster, I was sleepy, zoned-out, cold and hungry all rolled in one.
I really don't know how to cope with my lack of concentration problem.
Mom says meditation could fix it but sigh, meditation? so.esoteric.la.cheeeeeem.
My only wish is to pass ACCA reasonably well and get a proper job one fine day.

My only fear is to fail at that.
The paradox of a person, who loves words yet failing at law, a paper that completely operates on words?
Yes, I failed my law paper. :/

I love live videos with clear audio quality.
I love the interaction between the musicians and the screaming crowd right before a song begins.
I love the variation that the guitarists bring to a song performed live.
And oh! There's just this wonderful wonderful energy that emanates from the boisterous fans. Oh, the adoration, it's beautiful. :D
This song makes me smile so wide and can't stop nod-nodding and tap-tapping to the song, even though I have absolutely no sense of rhythm!
Yes, it definitely leaves me with a sense of false hope, haha.

I can never stay sad for long here :)

2010-02-23T16:57:00.003+08:00

I can never stay sad for long here. :)

Went to the hospital and did a lot of waiting here there everywhere. Waiting about in pain is one of the worst feelings because you are too distracted to engage in any other activities that can take your mind off the pain. My mind gets clouded, I get miserable. Like the song "Immortality" by Pearl Jam (Yes! I am still on that haha): "Vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere"

Still, after the blood was squeezed out and my thumb nicely bandaged, my misery and self-pity evaporated. I was just happy to be pain-free again! I went to the shopping complex and bought myself a RM5.25 lunch - I love it when I can pay less than RM5 for a good meal. So, that's something worth smiling about :) Walked about the place on my own and came home to shower using one hand! Sure was a workout for my left arm to be held up high and away from the jet of water!

We will have a meeting for the newsletter on Thursday, to discuss seriously for the first time what would we write about. I have no idea what I would be good at writing. People tell me I have a flair with words, yes, but topics? I can't come up with anything! :S This should be a good point to start discovering if I am really really any good at writing, I guess. So, wish me luck! And please please point out if you have noticed that I am actually good at writing on any subject, I have no clue myself!

Enzyme Deficiency?

2010-02-22T16:29:00.002+08:00

- Supposed to be doing my homework for Malaysian Studies (ugh!!) but ended up googling about for enzyme pills. Found some articles on the myth of their effectiveness and learned that there is actually such a thing as enzyme deficiency.

- Did not read anything further on these topics because - lazy. Maybe I'll print them out for easier reading.

- Wonders if the uni library has any books on enzyme deficiency, or maybe the sister uni has that? After all, they offer medical courses there. Something to do if I ever get bored: explore the two libraries?

- Found out that the hospital nearby has Gastroenterologists and my medical card seems to be under their insurance coverage. Maybe I should make an appointment to get a proper check up? (The hospital intimidates me, like almost everything about this place. Yet, I enjoy these intimidation, I want these exposures, they feel relevant to my future, somehow.)

- Been immersing my bruised thumb in warm water today. It is awesome to be home alone because I can scream and yell and moan liberally :D

Happiness is fragile

2010-02-22T13:51:00.002+08:00

Felt somewhat sad and apprehensive about my life.
Laid in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin and my little pillow draped over my eyes.
A friend called when I really needed to talk to someone :) Thank you.

When I look at my own problems objectively, they do not look big.
I just need to focus.
I need to find my optimism from January and keep going.
And I need to drag myself to cafeteria for some lunch.

Optimism!!

I wish I wish I wish I wish I guess it never stops...

2010-02-13T14:44:00.003+08:00

Omg omg omg omg omg I love this song.

CNY... stirs up no excitement in me save the thought of meeting up with a few friends that I have not seen in months/years.

I am worried about the amount of homework piling up.
I am worried about how to play a good host to a friend I invited home for CNY.

I am sleepy!
The train ride tonight and the journey I gotta make to the train station ugggh...
I haven't even started packing :(

Back to the song...
Here's my wishlist:
1. I wish for good health
2. I wish to graduate in time, get a good job and live happily ever after :D
3. I wish to lose weight
4. I wish to graduate in time, get a good job and live happily ever after

I want financial independence larrr...

I wish I wish I wish I wish
I guess it never stops...

Off He Goes - Pearl Jam

2010-02-12T12:04:00.005+08:00

Since leaving secondary school, I've met many types of people. Of the friends I have found, there is a category of them that I highly respect. For they have a purpose in life and they discipline themselves to work for their goals, yet at the same time, they have always found the time to send me cards, messages and even presents, to show they care. This song reminds me of the friends I have who are always busy, yet still love me. :)

It is actually written by the lead vocal of the band Pearl Jam, Eddie Vedder to deprecate himself for being a bad friend, or so he thinks.

The story of "Off He Goes" concerns a friend who periodically comes whirling in and out of the protagonist's life. In an interview, Vedder revealed himself to be the friend. Vedder said, "The song "Off He Goes" is really about me being a shit friend. I'll show up and everything's great and then all of the sudden I'm outta there..." During a Pearl Jam performance, Vedder said before starting the song that "this is about being friends with an asshole,"and right after he made the statement he pointed at himself. (From Wiki)

Well, I don't think a friend who is constantly busy is necessarily a bad friend. :)
Quality time spent together is way way better than large quantities of time saturated with reciprocally generated boredom.

This one goes out to all of you, especially the one with a small head hehe...
If you ever doubt your self-worth, remember that there is still me, who will always look up to you guys who made it to fly off far far away. Don't despair in a moment of weakness, I remember you as who you truly are, and not the wreck you see in the mirror. :)

Favourite lines of the song:
For he still smiles...
And he's still strong
Nothing's changed, but the surrounding bullshit that has grown
And now he's home
And we're laughing like we always did
My same old, same old friend

Pearl Jam: Off He Goes

1, 2, 1, 2...
Know a man, his face seems pulled and tense
Like he's riding on a motorbike in the strongest winds
So i approach with tact
Suggest that he should relax
But he's always moving much too fast
Said he'll see me on the flipside
On this trip he's taken for a ride
He's been taking too much on
There he goes with his perfectly unkept clothes
There he goes...
He's yet to come back
But i've seen his picture
It doesn't look the same up on the rack
We go way back
I wonder about his insides
Its like his thoughts are too big for his size
He's been taken... where, i don't know?
Off he goes with his perfectly unkept hope
And there he goes...
And now i rub my eyes, for he has returned
Seems my preconceptions are what should have been burned
For he still smiles...
And he's still strong
Nothing's changed, but the surrounding bullshit that has grown
And now he's home
And we're laughing like we always did
My same old, same old friend
Until a quarter-to-ten
I saw the strain creep in
He seems distracted and i know just what is gonna happen next
Before his first step
He's off again

Black!

2010-02-11T14:21:00.003+08:00

Finally woke up for good at noon and decided to continue browsing for Pearl Jam's songs on Youtube. Up till yesterday, Daughter is my favourite. Then I came upon Black and I just love the angst-laded mumbles, and the tortured screams of 'why's blended with the wailing guitar riffs in the end, simply amazing! :D

Reading the comments for the song, I came across one that says 'I got this song from the book The Summer I Turned Pretty - Jenny Han'. Something in the simple title of the book struck me and I googled for the reviews on it. It's a teen-fic, a genre I used to love but have long outgrown hehe. Yet, I suddenly feel like reading it :P Maybe if they make it into a 2-hour movie, I'll watch! :D

Have to start doing my week-old laundry and most importantly pack for home! Arrrgh lazzzzzy :(
Though I always harbour dreams of travelling when I have the money someday, I have come to suspect that I am seriously much much less fiddle footed than I presume myself to be. It's more likely that I have high inertia than vigour. But no point pondering on the possibility of another dream going bust, I gotta stop thinking so much hehe... What will be will be, right? ;)

Excited! :D

2010-02-09T15:08:00.002+08:00

Today started out bad. I awoke to diarrhea that lasted for hours, interfering with my Audit paper test in the morning... Still, things just kept getting better and better as the day progresses :D

I finally got my student ID which meant library access!! awww :D Nothing appeases my jittery self more than being surrounded by thick volumes of literature!

The library here is definitely less spacious than that of my old college and the books are sorted less systematically - I have yet to find the Fiction area. Still, the titles of the books just jump on me, screaming to be read like NOW NOW NOW. Took a lot of mental talking to stop myself from settling down on the floor between shelves and start browsing through my armload of selections.

Finally I settled for three, all very serious books, two for my Audit paper's additional reading and one for the Malaysian Studies' homework. Yes, these recent years, I've been trying to read more serious and factual books rather than plunge myself deeper into the world of fiction. Still, I do crave for some adventure tales, right now. :P

After my library visit, and being so wow-ed by the self-check-in-system there, I went to lunch with a friend. It was another branch of a Korean food shop that we both love, the food is just yummy... but ugh! the music they played! :( I so don't favour Korean pop, most songs sound like some self-obsessed youngster screaming in a karaoke room. So, just when I was telling my friend about how I would prefer some other branches without the background music, the young shop owner showed up at the counter and spoke to us oh-so-suavely in American English. We were both so swooned!! Haha... Yeah, now we are planning to bring another friend there next time, just to show her the charming shop owner. Hehehe

And the last excitement for the day is... the email I just received from the college newsletter's adviser, saying that we, the editorial team, will be attending a leadership camp in March! *EXCITED!!*
Yes, yes, people, I finally got the opportunity to work on a newsletter :D Think Elizabeth Wakefield :P

So, that's it for now. Hehe, excited still.

My worst day thus far

2010-02-08T14:17:00.007+08:00

I supposed it's wrong to assume a new blog would mean a new me. My health problems will always haunt me... Today was the worst that I've ever experienced from piles and I finally went to see a doctor. RM245! And those pills there are supposed to be taken over a duration of 3 weeks. I was in so much pain when driving myself back from the clinic that I almost got hit by another car, and that did not even scare me, the pain was just overwhelming.

Nevertheless, I am not gonna allow myself to wallow in self-pity. This is a new place, a new life and I am going to do better than indulging in escapism.

I am just gonna nap for a while and then I will study! I have a test tomorrow morning, after all...
Still, I can't seem to fight the craving for ice cream right now.

Ice cream craving α Emotional misery
α

First Post :D

2010-02-07T23:20:00.001+08:00

I just spent almost 5 hours trying to find a blogspot template that would accommodate the birdie header. Got very frustrated - very excited - very hopeful - very disappointed - very frustrated again... The whole vicious cycle is enough to cripple my brain from undertaking any constructive intellectual work for the rest of the evening.

Still, putting all the guilt from wasting so much time aside, the blog is finally ready to be written on! :D

This is a brand new year, one which I strongly intend not to screw up.
I thought of giving up blogging, so that I will focus better on studying, but it's impossible.
I love to ponder, I love to explore, I love to string words together into a prattle and it's all done to no particular audience but myself, and the few good friends who have always seemed interested to read it. :)

So, this blog is for myself mostly, but also for those who hold me dear enough in their hearts to keep track of my life.